A Letter From My Future Self
210July 27, 2012 by Xenogirl
Dear Amy,
I am writing this letter while seated at one of my favorite locations… in front of the Shakespeare and Company Bookstore here on the Left Bank in Paris, just steps from the Seine, Notre Dame, and Île de la Cité. This is the very spot where my husband and I scurried in from the rain to spend the afternoon browsing through shelf after shelf of books. It is a magical and glorious bookstore, rich in literary history… a place that reminds me why I am so in love with the written word and the ideas wrapped within them.
As a very young child, books were truly my first love. Each week, my parents drove me and my sisters to the local public library. I would study the shelves like a young Nancy Drew, investigating each title and dust cover with excitement and curiosity. The number of books I took home was limited only by the weight I could carry. With aching arms, I would eventually haul the teetering pile up to the front desk. The rhythmic sound of the librarian’s machine punching the due date on the check-out card filled me with anticipation. As a youth growing up in small town Wisconsin, reading was my only way to explore the world; I could visit new cities, solve mysteries, meet extraordinary people, and set forth on epic journeys. Day after day was spent hidden behind the pages of my latest literary adventure. Many late nights, I attempted to surreptitiously read by the dim glow of my digital alarm clock soon after my mother had yelled for me to go to bed.
Remember? What about those early experiments crafting my first verses and stories? I “wrote” my first poem before I knew how to actually write words; that poem is still in my baby book, transcribed proudly in my father’s hand writing. In elementary school, I attempted my first novella: twenty-seven hand-written pages (with drawings) about a brave girl, a magical land, and a lost medallion. In high school, I wrote. A lot. My most prized possession was my electric typewriter, which my parents had gifted to me for Christmas one year. Poetry and essays and short stories cluttered my notebooks and my brain and my backpack. An English teacher even persuaded me to submit one of my stories to a state writing contest. It didn’t win, but my teacher’s vote of confidence was an award onto itself.
Back then, I always assumed that when I went to college, I would major in English. Of course I would be a writer! But somewhere along the way, my dreams and priorities changed. Honestly, I cannot even recall why or when I abandoned writing of the creative sort. In college, I instead found myself challenging my intellect with political science and philosophy and research methods and career goals and adult worries. Perhaps it was a growing yet misguided sense that maturity required leaving the creativity and imagination of my youth far behind me. Like a dearly cherished but forgotten stuffed animal, my love for writing was packed away into the dusty basement of my childhood memories. Hence, my life moved forward on a very different path.
Years passed. But then, remember when I turned 41? The mid-life crisis. Ugh. Oh how I struggled with my identity… my calling… my purpose. It was a dark and painful time. That summer of 2012, I just quit, much like an exhausted dog on a leash digging in its heels and refusing to take one more step. I couldn’t go forward on that path any farther. Not. One. More. Step. I cried a lot. Eventually, I started to write, albeit tentatively at first. I even started my first blog. Remember… my personal blog? Hitting the “publish” button each week was exhilarating and yet so scary. I was again writing creatively… wrestling with ideas and imagination… shaping and ordering and willing words onto the keyboard! Writing no longer consisted of plodding through the dry, technical productions that had defined my adult life. Soon, I began to see glimpses of that girl I had abandoned so many years before. I became braver. Bold, even. I started to write, honestly and authentically. I started to dream again. Ultimately, I clearly envisioned the answer to my existential questions — I was, indeed, a writer.
That answer terrified me.
Looking back, I can declare that all the fear, doubt, and pain of that summer and the year ahead were worth it. I faced many late nights alone, staring at the keyboard, questioning every idea and word that wandered across my intuition. I wrote, sometimes badly, sometimes well. When I wasn’t writing, I was thinking about writing. It consumed me. At the time, my greatest fear was that I would spend the next year of my life drafting a pathetic novel that would never be published. I was afraid that my longing to write was merely a cliché, soon-to-be-regretted, mid-life delusion. Was I really a talented writer? Was I creative enough? Did I have a story within me to tell that anyone would ever want to read? Was it too late?
Henri Mattise once proclaimed, “Creativity takes courage.” Indeed, that summer I had to make myself painfully vulnerable before I could rediscover myself and redirect my life towards fulfillment. I became vulnerable to risk. Vulnerable to criticism. Vulnerable to failure. Every excuse imaginable ruthlessly plagued my mind. I anticipated the very worst… and yet somehow, I chose to write anyway. Idea by idea and word by word, I slowly reshaped my frightened and insecure spirit into my first novel.
So, more years have passed since that dark, yet transformative, summer. As I relax here in Paris, I can see my fifth book displayed in the window of the bookstore. My fifth! There are copies for sale in both English and the recently translated French version. I will confess that there are few things as satisfying as holding that first printed edition in my hands. Thumbing through the pages and inhaling the scent of the freshly bound paper is a soothing gift to my troubled soul. There is a rare joy in reading the words of my heart in print, bled out in the blackest of ink onto each numbered page. Words that change lives. Words that inspire. Words that can even change the world. This I believe to be true. Even today, as an author, doubt is still a constant companion of mine. However, now I understand that such vulnerability births the very creativity, expression, and fulfillment which I endlessly seek.
Writing this letter to my younger, aspiring self is bittersweet because I know I will receive it in the midst of that painful summer. I will read these words in the dead of a warm, silent night, shortly before the birds begin chirping in reprimand that I must soon sleep. As I read each word from my future self, my destiny will seem unrealistic, impossible, and foolish. That night, I will carefully fold this letter and hide it away in my journal. I will cry, not for the last time that summer, but then I will steady myself. Finally, with a deep breath, I will turn back to my keyboard in determination, and I shall write.
Adieu,
Amy
Powerful, emotional and simply incredible.
You MUST keep writing! I know some stranger from the internet may not exactly possess the privileges of having their opinion held in the highest regard, but seriously, do not stop. Aside from giving you the fulfilment that many greatly lament, your writing shows that this is not just a part-time hobby. You have real talent and to not share that with the world would be such a waste. The more you write, the more your confidence will increase. Keep going and never let that doubt get the better of you.
I think it’s safe to say that you’ve already got a few future fans, here =)
Well for a “stranger from the internet,” your comments are incredibly encouraging to me! It is amazing how significant just taking the time to post a comment like this can mean to someone. Thank you so much!
[...] From: http://xenogirl.com/2012/07/27/a-letter-from-my-future-self/ [...]
Wow thank you for quoting me! I am truly honored.
Loved it!
Yes, indeed, you can write. Now make that letter come true.
This is indeed the order of business! I have been rearranging my life to do just that. Thank you!
A twin of me — this is exactly how I feel – just penned a short reflection on precise same topic!
You expressed beautifully. Cheers.
Oh please post a link here… I would love to read it! Thank you for reading and posting.
Wow. This piece really resonated with me. After reading this, I get the sense that we’re asking ourselves many of the same questions. Best of luck on your journey. I’ll be following along.
I think doubt and insecurity are the constant friend of anyone who writes or creates. I am learning to use these doubts as a source of inspiration. Turning ourselves inside out in order to write is inherently a vulnerable act, thus I am beginning to think it is quite impossible to be creative without insecurity and fear! Thank you for reading!
Fabulous post! I spent many hours at Shakespeare and Co while I was in Paris and am still an avid public library user. I wrote all the time in my teens, plays, poems, short stories but somewhere along the line, I stopped and have been itching to write again too. Really great to see how things turned out for you.
It is indeed an extraordinary book store… I hope to go back! Thank you!
I wrote one of these to myself and put it in a bottle a long time ago… I should read it!
Oh gosh you *MUST* dig it out and read it! I am certain it will be inspirational for you. Best of luck and thank you so much for reading…
Thanks I will, and your welcome! Your blog is facsinating!
Reblogged this on chryzalynmaeysao and commented:
i am also an aspiring writer and blogs like these are really inspiring!! :) thank u for that realization~~ mwuahh! have a great day ahead!! :)
Thank you! Although I have to say that you should drop the word “aspiring” and just claim your place as a writer. Someone who draws is an artist and someone who plays guitar is a musician whether they are paid or not… if you write, you are indeed a writer, today!
hahah!! thank u girl! okay, i am a writer!! let’s make the world jealous of what we have!!
Reblogged this on Rissa's Running Blog and commented:
mmmm I love this!
Thank you for reblogging my post!! I am honored.
you’re welcome! :)
It is good you began to write, and do what you love, anything less, is uncivilized.
What an interesting perspective… “uncivilized.” Funny how so few people are able to view life, passion, and vocation in such a way. Thank you!
Very few view life for what it really means, and even fewer, view themselves for their meaning. You’re welcome.
Wow. Thank you! That was me…I’m still slightly in the dark place of doubt and seeking that courage to just put my writing out there ‘for real’. Great post!
Well, start by tapping into that doubt and darkness and just WRITE. There is no such thing as “fake” writing… it is all “for real,” but some is more authentic than others. I am convinced that the readership side of things will sort it self out the more we write from our hearts. Our job is to do the hard work of putting fingers to the keyboard. Best of luck to you and thank you so much for reading and commenting!
Loved this! I too am experiencing an identity crisis, mostly due to my single status while everyone around me is in love. The publish button is scary, but I’m going to blog about it none the less – well done, all the best x
Well, an identity crisis is the ideal time to reinvent yourself. The publish button *IS* scary, but so worth it! Thank you for reading and offering me encouragement!
Aah, you sound like a Book Booster. Consider adding your name to our growing list. And I appreciate how you presented this so optimistically realistic. Five books….good projection.
Happy Pages,
CricketMuse
Well five books seems impossible, but I wanted to paint a picture of a beautiful future. I am very busy at work trying to make number one a reality. Thanks for reading!
Your letter is inspiring and so is your determination to make it happen!
Happy Pages,
CricketMuse
You’ve mentioned all of the places I’d like to visit…someday! :) Awesome post!
Paris is indeed beautiful… be sure to stop by Shakespeare and Company. Thanks for reading!
This is exquisite. I adored your descriptions of books and the intense feelings they evoke. :)
Thank you! My childhood memories of the library are precious to me. Thank you for reading Dandy Lion!
Thank you for sharing this letter. Truly.
It was written *truly* from my heart. I am so glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for reading and offering your encouragement!
I loved reading this, as I am thinking of becoming a writer myself! :)
The best advice I have read on becoming a writer is to simply WRITE. Every day! Best of luck to you Eliza and thank you for reading my blog!
Interesting!
Thank you for reading!
Perfect timing, I really needed to read this as I have been desperately trying to find the courage to jump head first into writing a book I know needs to be written, it will be my first. Thank you for sharing, quite incredible!
I look forward to reading your books one day :)
Love and light
~ Jennifer
Thank you so much! I am thrilled to be an encouragement to other writers. I am exploring how to tap into insecurity and fear and then transform it into a source of inspiration. Raw emotion, good or bad, is an amazing fuel for creativity. Best of luck to you in your literary endeavors and thank you for reading!
Make the future come true now!
I have been working to rearrange my life and free up my time and brain to do just that! Thank you for reading!
really nice
Thank you!
Loved it! Just loved it! I hope you don’t mind if I take the idea to write a story. Don’t worry, I’ll add a note with a link to this post, letting everybody know where I got inspired.
Absolutely… Go for it! Thanks for reading. :)
Dear xenogirl, thank you for writing such a lovely piece. I wrote a letter from my future self years ago and I couldn’t believe how much better I felt afterwards. Perhaps it’s time to try again. The Matisse quote is so true.
Do you still have the letter? Perhaps this is a writing exercise I should practice every few years. Thank you for reading!
This is adorable! Every year I try to write a journal entry/letter addressed to myself in 10 years – to simply help me remember the me at 16, 18, 19 years old – my aspirations, my friends, my hobbies and pet hates. Isn’t writing such an amazing thing? I’ve recently started up my little personal blog project for 52 weeks just create a digital imprint of my life at 19 years old, and also to help myself discover my true passions in life.
Thank you for sharing such an evocative and inspiring piece. I hope one day I do find that passion in life, just as you have.
Lucy :)
How wonderful that you have begun journaling your life at such a young age! Most of us don’t figure this stuff out for many, many years. Best of luck and thank you for reading!
[...] Original source: @xenogirl.com [...]
Thank you for reblogging my post! Such an honor, really. :)
Xenogirl,
Just read your post and fell in love with it. I recently celebrated my 40th and am in the midst of trying to ‘revisit’ myself and my words in a 365 day blog. A post a day for a year seems quite daunting as I sit to try to write my 17th. Your words, although directed elsewhere, are very inspiring. Thanks for sharing.
Shane
Wow what a challenge to blog for 365 days straight! Very impressive. I am trying to learn the discipline of writing and reading everyday. Most days I love it, but other days are hard. I think hitting the publish button on a daily basis would be the most difficult for me. I hope this journey at age 40 is fruitful for you. Pursue it with passion… I think the results will surprise you!
Very well done. Reminds me of my own journey when I started my blog after many years on not writing. My mid-life crisis was about the same age too… what a painful time. beautiful writing… keep it up! Magdalene
Hello Magdalene… I never would have expected this blog to be so transformative for me! And to think, I was quite reluctant to even start. I am so happy I followed my instincts. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment!
Absolutely lovely post. It made me smile so many times. And while I was only at Shakespeare and Co once…I am super jealous. Loved it.
Shakespeare and Company is an amazing place! So glad my post made you smile… your reply certainly brought a smile to *my* face. Thank you for reading!
SO inspiring. Congratulations on all your success!
So glad you were inspired! Thank you for reading Daniella.
Wonderful and inspirational words. Finally the child within you listened even though the fear was overwhelming and it proved to be your true calling. Thank you for writing! All the best to you!
Funny how sometimes we know ourselves better as kids than we do as adults. I think I just let the pressures of adult life cloud my judgment, sending me in what seemed to be an “adult” direction. Thankfully it has only taken me a couple decades to figure it out and not much longer! Thank you for reading…
xenogirl,
Pardon the tardiness of my response. I agree that kids know very well what one needs and wants, but we then are put through the labyrinthine construct of our ancestors…then some of us decide to stop, somewhere along the route, and find those “childish” impulses (that have a certain purity to them) and act upon them while others continue dazedly through the “motions” of living…automatons of sorts. Regardless of how long it takes, what matters is that you jumped in and wallowed happily in your new endeavors. Keep up the good work signorina!
I love it! I just did a series of blogs that were “letters to my younger self” as well – interesting the automatic perspective you assume when writing letters to yourself, isn’t it? At least that’s how it was for me. Great post & congrats on being FP!
I considered doing a letter to my younger self and a letter to my older self, but in the end I thought a letter *FROM* my older, wiser, successful self to the present day me would be the most inspirational. Thank you for reading Molly!
Truely inspiring post! With every word I pictured myself. For years I am battling and tackling my novel. 16 Chapters down on paper and laptop, a thousand times edited and still I cannot complete it because I have no drive to do so… Is my writing going to capture hearts? Sister, you have ignited my drive again. I salute you!
Sixteen chapters!! Wow!! I guess I would spend some time thinking and writing about *why* you are reluctant to finish. What is holding you back? What are your fears? What inspired you in the beginning? I think in the process, you will find some answers and courage to move forward. Thank you for reading… so happy you found inspiration in my post!
Reblogged this on smazicles's Blog.
Thank you for reblogging my post!! I am so honored!
Reblogged this on A Story of Light and commented:
“I am exploring how to tap into insecurity and fear and then transform it into a source of inspiration. Raw emotion, good or bad, is an amazing fuel for creativity.” I’d say she is there (:
Thank you for quoting me… how wonderful to know my words resonated with you. Best of luck and thank you for reading!
This is really sweet and beautiful, and I love your writing :-) I was also one of those kids who spent a lot of time at the library, and checked out huge stacks of books. We didn’t have tv, so if I wanted something to do, I had to read. I hope you keep writing!
Writing and a love for books go hand in hand! Thank you for reading and taking the time to offer me such kind words of encouragement.
Very touching. . .
Thank you Michael!
Wow, Amy – fifth novel published and that Paris bookshop! Sounds like dream come true time. Well done, you! And thank you for inspiring the rest of us out here. It can be done!
No… Not yet! This is just a vision of my future self I have yet to achieve! Thank you for reading!
Creative idea! Wonderful post. Beautiful insight. So glad I read this!
Thank you for reading Taylor!
Taking the plunge into the artist’s journey is a walk through the dark night of the soul. I’m not quite where you are (yet), to where the pain has subsided and I’m looking at a body of work, but I take heart in your inspiration.
One of my favorite quotes is from Joseph Campbell, “If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are — if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time.”
There is no light without darkness and it takes courage to walk into the murky forest to see what lies within. I am also fond of Julia Cameron’s quote from her seminal book, The Artist’s Way, “Leap and the net will appear.” Your story tells us there is a soft place to land. :-)
Oh gosh… no I am still in the midst of the dark night… this post just represents a vision I have painted for my future. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment and beautiful words. No matter how the journey actually plays out for me, I know it is worth it!
Yes, I think I understood through the poignancy of your words that the darkness doesn’t end with the publication of a book (or even 5 books). It is worth it, for the more we embrace the dark night, the greater capacity we have for enjoying bright sunny days.
This post was sooo inspiring. Thank you for inspiring me and and good luck with your amazing writing! :)
Why thank you Lily!! I am so happy to hear that you were inspired.
I just liked it. Inspiring ;)
Thank you for reading and liking, Somebodybad. :)
What an incredible post and an incredible idea. I think we should all take the time to pen ourselves a letter and follow our dreams. I wish you all the best with your journey
First, thank you for reading, but I really want to say that I am excited to follow your blog… the Airstream adventure sounds amazing!
Well Done! You have been awarded a Grade 5 BlOgcean Award from us! Your one in a group of the first ever to get this award, so we would be grateful if you could spread the word about us! If you want to know more about us and your award go to: http://blogceanawards.wordpress.com/
Keep posting on your great blog! And go on our Blog to nominate someone else’s blog too if you feel like it!
Thank you for the BlOgcean Award!
Thank you for sharing
…and thank you for reading!
Beautifully written :)
Thank you so much… I am so happy to hear you enjoyed this!
Loved it. I must say you are a beautiful writer and like all the genuine ones, you love words. Never stop. And I hope even I never do because it is so very easy to be swayed away and eventually stop writing as happened with me..I am 23 today and very recently I have started writing again and Oh! I wish I never stop. We must go on !
It is far too easy to let go of those things we loved in our youth. Don’t stop writing… and thank you for reading!