A Letter From My Future Self
210July 27, 2012 by Xenogirl
Dear Amy,
I am writing this letter while seated at one of my favorite locations… in front of the Shakespeare and Company Bookstore here on the Left Bank in Paris, just steps from the Seine, Notre Dame, and Île de la Cité. This is the very spot where my husband and I scurried in from the rain to spend the afternoon browsing through shelf after shelf of books. It is a magical and glorious bookstore, rich in literary history… a place that reminds me why I am so in love with the written word and the ideas wrapped within them.
As a very young child, books were truly my first love. Each week, my parents drove me and my sisters to the local public library. I would study the shelves like a young Nancy Drew, investigating each title and dust cover with excitement and curiosity. The number of books I took home was limited only by the weight I could carry. With aching arms, I would eventually haul the teetering pile up to the front desk. The rhythmic sound of the librarian’s machine punching the due date on the check-out card filled me with anticipation. As a youth growing up in small town Wisconsin, reading was my only way to explore the world; I could visit new cities, solve mysteries, meet extraordinary people, and set forth on epic journeys. Day after day was spent hidden behind the pages of my latest literary adventure. Many late nights, I attempted to surreptitiously read by the dim glow of my digital alarm clock soon after my mother had yelled for me to go to bed.
Remember? What about those early experiments crafting my first verses and stories? I “wrote” my first poem before I knew how to actually write words; that poem is still in my baby book, transcribed proudly in my father’s hand writing. In elementary school, I attempted my first novella: twenty-seven hand-written pages (with drawings) about a brave girl, a magical land, and a lost medallion. In high school, I wrote. A lot. My most prized possession was my electric typewriter, which my parents had gifted to me for Christmas one year. Poetry and essays and short stories cluttered my notebooks and my brain and my backpack. An English teacher even persuaded me to submit one of my stories to a state writing contest. It didn’t win, but my teacher’s vote of confidence was an award onto itself.
Back then, I always assumed that when I went to college, I would major in English. Of course I would be a writer! But somewhere along the way, my dreams and priorities changed. Honestly, I cannot even recall why or when I abandoned writing of the creative sort. In college, I instead found myself challenging my intellect with political science and philosophy and research methods and career goals and adult worries. Perhaps it was a growing yet misguided sense that maturity required leaving the creativity and imagination of my youth far behind me. Like a dearly cherished but forgotten stuffed animal, my love for writing was packed away into the dusty basement of my childhood memories. Hence, my life moved forward on a very different path.
Years passed. But then, remember when I turned 41? The mid-life crisis. Ugh. Oh how I struggled with my identity… my calling… my purpose. It was a dark and painful time. That summer of 2012, I just quit, much like an exhausted dog on a leash digging in its heels and refusing to take one more step. I couldn’t go forward on that path any farther. Not. One. More. Step. I cried a lot. Eventually, I started to write, albeit tentatively at first. I even started my first blog. Remember… my personal blog? Hitting the “publish” button each week was exhilarating and yet so scary. I was again writing creatively… wrestling with ideas and imagination… shaping and ordering and willing words onto the keyboard! Writing no longer consisted of plodding through the dry, technical productions that had defined my adult life. Soon, I began to see glimpses of that girl I had abandoned so many years before. I became braver. Bold, even. I started to write, honestly and authentically. I started to dream again. Ultimately, I clearly envisioned the answer to my existential questions — I was, indeed, a writer.
That answer terrified me.
Looking back, I can declare that all the fear, doubt, and pain of that summer and the year ahead were worth it. I faced many late nights alone, staring at the keyboard, questioning every idea and word that wandered across my intuition. I wrote, sometimes badly, sometimes well. When I wasn’t writing, I was thinking about writing. It consumed me. At the time, my greatest fear was that I would spend the next year of my life drafting a pathetic novel that would never be published. I was afraid that my longing to write was merely a cliché, soon-to-be-regretted, mid-life delusion. Was I really a talented writer? Was I creative enough? Did I have a story within me to tell that anyone would ever want to read? Was it too late?
Henri Mattise once proclaimed, “Creativity takes courage.” Indeed, that summer I had to make myself painfully vulnerable before I could rediscover myself and redirect my life towards fulfillment. I became vulnerable to risk. Vulnerable to criticism. Vulnerable to failure. Every excuse imaginable ruthlessly plagued my mind. I anticipated the very worst… and yet somehow, I chose to write anyway. Idea by idea and word by word, I slowly reshaped my frightened and insecure spirit into my first novel.
So, more years have passed since that dark, yet transformative, summer. As I relax here in Paris, I can see my fifth book displayed in the window of the bookstore. My fifth! There are copies for sale in both English and the recently translated French version. I will confess that there are few things as satisfying as holding that first printed edition in my hands. Thumbing through the pages and inhaling the scent of the freshly bound paper is a soothing gift to my troubled soul. There is a rare joy in reading the words of my heart in print, bled out in the blackest of ink onto each numbered page. Words that change lives. Words that inspire. Words that can even change the world. This I believe to be true. Even today, as an author, doubt is still a constant companion of mine. However, now I understand that such vulnerability births the very creativity, expression, and fulfillment which I endlessly seek.
Writing this letter to my younger, aspiring self is bittersweet because I know I will receive it in the midst of that painful summer. I will read these words in the dead of a warm, silent night, shortly before the birds begin chirping in reprimand that I must soon sleep. As I read each word from my future self, my destiny will seem unrealistic, impossible, and foolish. That night, I will carefully fold this letter and hide it away in my journal. I will cry, not for the last time that summer, but then I will steady myself. Finally, with a deep breath, I will turn back to my keyboard in determination, and I shall write.
Adieu,
Amy
wow.. you are my HERO! This is truly inspiring! Thank you :)
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. They are especially meaningful, since this post was born out of insecurity!
Love this, Amy! Can’t wait to read your first novel. Will you please sign it for me? Also, the sound of the librarian stamping the due date on the return card – I loved that sound and thought being a librarian would be an awesome job simply because one could stamp the due dates.
-Kim B.
Kim… I can hear the rhythm of the librarian opening the book, pulling out the card, clicking the machine, replacing the card, closing the book, and repeating as if I were standing right there in front of the desk today. I truly hope to have a book for you to read sometime in the not so distant future…
For some reason, this brought tears to my eyes, my dear sister. The thought of you sitting there writing this, really stirred something in me. Acknowledging that I have very few goals for myself hit me a bit hard too. I am so excited and honored to be alongside you during this journey. You are truly awesome.
Trust me… it brought tears to my eyes writing it. Love you sissy.
Hi sweetie, please don’t abandon writing anymore!! I love reading your blogs! You’re an amazing writer!!! Keep believing in yourself! I’m really proud of you!! Lots of hugs xxx
Oh Sputchy thanks for reading!!! It means so much to me…
Your rich experience since then will serve you well in the books to come. This is not wasted time this was spice to the gift.
That is very helpful insight for me Leigh! It is true… at this age, my life experience really helps to feed my admittedly mediocre imagination. Back in my younger years, I know I could never have written with the depth to which I am now able. Thank you again for all of your encouragement.
Again, I can relate so well! I was also the girl taking out all the library books and writing short stories/novels, even at a very young age. I wonder why we learn/choose to stifle our creativity? Because we don’t think we fit society’s expectations of us? In my case, I remember an “adult” telling me I had a much better chance at a future in science than creative writing. Since I was good at both, I chose the former route and worked hard to fit in with the academic sciences, to the detriment of my creativity! I feel like I’ve now let Ne out of it’s cage and it feels so good! Unfortunately, the self-doubt is always something that will chase us… Can’t wait for the books :)
Hmmmmm… this is so very interesting. Learning how to use my extroverted intuition in a more intentional way has been very rewarding. Have you read personalityjunkie’s article about the INTP’s use of Ne for more healthy living? http://personalityjunkie.com/09/how-intps-infps-can-use-extraverted-intuition-ne-to-cultivate-more-meaningful-lives/
Now … I am not quite sure is this ‘strange’ or not but there is so much you wrote here that is very similar to my own life … including recent turn to blogging! On the other note … I am so ‘jealous’ to even think that you are in Europe! I came from there. Enjoy.
Kind Regards,
Daniela
Oh no I was in Europe awhile back… but my future self is relaxing in Paris. :) I saw on your blog that you are Croatian… both my great grandparents were Croatian (which makes me 1/4 I guess). I so want to visit someday! I enjoyed your blog and am looking forward to following your writing… thank you for reading!
wow! that was powerful. we should all be thus inspired to write our own past selves. i understand and empathize. good luck with your writing career — if the above is any indication, you’re off to a brilliant start. stick with it.
I really liked the idea of imagining my future, successful self and then crafting a letter from her to my current, uncertain self. Thank you for your words of encouragement… it means so much to me!
What a clever idea! I like this so much better than the letters to a younger self. I might even try it! Thanks for the inspiration!
I always found that letters to a past self are more oriented towards “lessons learned” or at worst… regret. By writing a letter from my imagined, future, successful self, I could focus on encouragement that will help me today. Thank you for reading!
What an inspiring story for those of us just entering that mid-life crisis and humbly searching for the creative child we left somewhere along the road. Thanks for the post!
Well I am right there with you struggling at mid-life! I found it so helpful to imagine my future, successful self and wonder what her advice would be to me. Reconnecting with my creative self has been a difficult, but worthy journey. Thank you for reading!
Really glad I found your blog. I look forward to reading more.
Thank you so much for reading!
Thank you. Beautiful. :)
Amazing how three simple words of encouragement can mean so much to me. Thank you for reading!
As an aspiring author and writer this was very encouraging.
Recently I decided to stop using the word “aspiring author” or “aspiring writer”… if we write, we are writers. If we author a completed work, we are authors. Anyone who paints is a painter… it doesn’t matter whether they earn money at it or not. Best wishes to you in your literary endeavors!
now i am wondering where would i be writing my letter from my future self. inspiring. thanks.
Not only from where would you be writing, but who would you be? This was a powerful exercise for me… so happy to read that you were inspired!
Wonderful, thanks for sharing. I know there are a long of things I wish I could write now to my younger self. My question is, do you regret not going into the creative field when you were young and in college? Do you think in some way, having had experienced almost a completely different life helped you become a better writer NOW than you would have been without those experiences? Just wondering your take on life choices and the notion of regret.
This is an interesting question. My career has always been founded on writing, although for the last couple decades that has consisted of professional writing, particularly grant writing. The opportunities I have had as a grant writer have been amazing and life changing (check out my blog post “Culture Shock” http://xenogirl.com/2012/07/30/culture-shock/). I think at mid-life, I am a better writer and have MANY more life experiences about which to write. I know myself better, and am much wiser. I won’t say I regret my career path, however I do wish I hadn’t totally abandoned creative writing and my creative self for so long. Every choice we make has both a reward and a cost. If I had chosen differently back at age 21, I would have missed out on so many aspects of my life that I now cherish. So I don’t have regrets… but I am choosing to move forward on a new, creative path! Thank you for reading and for asking such thoughtful questions.
Great post
Thank you for reading!!
Beautiful words.
Thank you!!
I just…love this. Clearly I am not a writer or I could expound on the why in a far better/clearer way, but this spoke to me on so very, very many levels. I am from Minnesota and had a teacher much like yours must have been. I too wrote and wrote and wrote…and then…life. Still it is life and a close to but not quite full stop on creativity as mortgages and college funds and the careers which support it took and take center stage I can glimpse a future where the rest, the lovely and long awaited rest of what matters may be possible. With a bit of envy as I picture Paris and the freedom to live as you wish as opposed to as you are obligated, I thank you.
Well I think you speak to the heart of this letter… take the time to imagine yourself maybe ten years from now. Where would you be? Who would you be? What would you tell yourself to do today amidst the mortgage and college funds? This was a very powerful exercise for me, and helped me to break through my fears of the present to see a new vision for my future. Best wishes to you… your future is yours to create!
Thank you for this incredible post Amy! I was about to stop blogging, now I see mainly due to self doubt. But I will continue.
Oh gosh… don’t stop! We are our own worst enemy. Sadly, if we don’t believe we can do it, it is then quite simply TRUE. If you love to write, then write with all your heart. Write stubbornly and authentically and freely and passionately!
I definitely am my own worst enemy! I do love writing, but sometimes I feel I can’t write freely or well enough like there’s something at the back of my mind stopping me.
But to read what you’ve been through to realise what you really wanted to do shows anything is possible if you put your mind to it despite adversity. I hope one day I can do just that.
Congratulations on your fifth book (I should be so lucky as to get there myself someday). What sort of books do you write?
No this is a letter from my imagined future self to my present day self, who tends to be rather insecure about her writing. :) I used this as inspiration to paint a picture of what my future might look like. It has helped me find courage to move forward with writing despite my fears!
oh. well, good luck with the writing.
WHAT AN INTERESTING IDEA!!! Make me want to write a letter to myself <3
http://www.relationshipgossip.com
Writing a letter from your future, imagined self to your present day self is very powerful… just imagine who you could be ten years from now!
if doubt could be bottled
I would put it in a bottle and watch it disappear
only to return with the tide to
fill me once more…
loved your blog and as a lover of stories I will be watching you with hunger!
Inspiring and as a new blogger… hopeful.
See you on the roll. ;D P.
If doubt could be bottled, I would surely own a bottling and distribution plant and be far wealthier than I will ever be as a writer! Thank you for your beautiful comment… your words bring me hope as well. :)
You nailed it! I had stopped writing when the internet came to be and while life carried me off in another direction, I made it back to writing just this month! I thought ink became useless, and although it might have, we have this. Please feel to read my post, “Breaking the Silence” or “Quasi Pro Blogger” I did one a day for almost a week, so I’m trying to get the train rolling again, myself. Nice work.
Having abandoned my creative self decades earlier, rediscovering her has been amazing, painful, and life-changing. Keep writing… I bet you will be quite surprised where that train takes you!
Excellent!! Jump through fear and flowers blossom.
Such a lovely sentiment.. thank you!
Nice post…I asked my daughter to write a letter to her future self. Desires, wishes, thoughts on life…when she is older I will give it to her. I think we ARe our truest self even though we don’t know it when we are young and uncluttered….later we take on layers which cover whats on the inside…well done for re-finding yourself and getting fresh pressed!!
Thank you! Repainting a vision for my future has been exciting yet scary. What a wonderful gift to give your daughter… encouragement to think creatively about her future at such a young age will undoubtedly take her to great places!
From a fellow 41-er, that all made a hell of a lot of sense, thank you, very inspiring!
Oh gosh… Generation X at 41! You MUST then check out my blog post “Life, the Universe, and Everything” at http://xenogirl.com/2012/06/13/life-the-universe-and-everything/. I wrote this upon the realization that at age 41, we have statistically hit our mid-life point. The second half of our lives shall be extraordinary, no?
Stopping by to my to say hello to my friend we share the same love of writing and books. Love your blog
Heather
http://nightdreamer371.blogspot.com
http://stillsurviving371.blogspot.com
Thank you Heather!!
This is an amazing journey! I am beyond glad I read this!!!
Well… it is a journey I am just beginning. Thank you for reading!
Oh yes, it’s my pleasure!
Truly inspirational. Thank you!
Thank you for reading and taking time to offer encouragement MinkaM!
Beautiful!
Thank you Jane!
Your post made me cry … in a good way! Thank you.
Trust me… I cried many tears while writing it. Thank you for reading!
A kind of vision board in words. Very novel. :) We can attract what we want with visualisation or with words, and what better way for a writer than the latter! Hope it paves the way to just take the plunge and publish the book.
Thanks for inspiring me. I think I will write my younger self today still. I’ve been sitting on a manuscript for six months now, frozen in fear. Let’s see what my older, wiser self has to say about that!
Imagine your older, wiser, successful self writing to you today as you sit, frozen in fear. What advice would she give you? Where does she live? What does she do? What does she do every day? What does she wish she had done differently? Good luck!
When you thanked your very first commenter for her “words of encouragement”, you went on to say that they were “especially meaningful, since this post was born out of insecurity!” I’m curious to know what you meant by that.
See my comments below on your second post. :)
Your words are amazing and beautiful. I’m not sure I can say more.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog and commenting! It means so much to me…
I can relate to exactly what you are writing. being in my early forties and just now buckling down to finish my first novel I understand every word that you wrote. You are not alone.
This is beautiful. Keep writing!
Thank you Samantha!
First off, 5th book!!! And you thought you couldn’t write! Congrats…
Anyway i think a lot of people are really glad that you decided to give your creativity the courage it needed.The result is some truly funny,personal writing. The last part,the personal writing,is especially important. There are quite a few people who follow a template in writing ,a style that is as methodical as its forgettable.You my friend have a truly distinctive style and i hope you never lose it,…..
HA noooo… I haven’t published any books yet! This is a letter from my *imagined* future successful self. Hopefully several years from now I will be in this place though!
Wait,wasn’nt i talking to your future self?Any way ,best of luck for it…..
*giggle* ok you got me there :)
(note to self… do not attempt to write fiction regarding time travel hehe)
lovely perspective from the future :-)
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment! What a great day. :)
Thank you for this beautifully written article…It brought tears to my eyes…
I cried A LOT while writing this piece. Thank you for reading and I am so thankful you were inspired!
I can relate to so much of this article and cannot express the utter relief I feel that others are obviously experiencing exactly what I am. The part about making yourself ‘painfully vulnerable’ particularly resonates with me: it’s the reason I choose to use a pseudonym when I write. I hope that someday I will have the courage to stop hiding behind this but for now it is my comfort blanket and the only thing that has enabled me to start this exciting new chapter in my life. Every writer is terrified of criticism because their writing is so entirely central to who they are as a person. It is only natural to want to protect that. Thank you for such an inspiring post :)
Aira x
You know yourself the best… if it takes a pseudonym to get your writing legs underneath you, then so be it. My guess though is that you are by far your own worst critic. I find that I tend to project all my own judgments and insecurities about myself unto everyone else. Thinking about myself as a brave, young, creative, child who loved to write was so helpful for me… those days before my confidence started to erode. Write because you love it and let the judgments of everyone else (real OR imagined) simply fall away. Thank you for reading!
OMG…this is what comes from insomnia. I misread “insecurity” thinking I read “insincerity”. Again, my apologies.
Hehe now insomnia is something to which I can relate quite well!!!
My post was born out of insecurity. In the midst of listing all the reasons NOT to pursue writing, I decided to imagine myself as a successful writer. This letter was the result of that exercise, and set me on a new course. Thank you for reading!
Thank you for understanding! Also being part of the same generation, this is an inspiring work, and you deserve to be “Freshly Pressed”….Congratulations!
Thank you! (blush)
You’re most welcome! But you keep on writing, you here! If you write, I’ll read it…and hopefully not in an insomniatic state! Speaking of states, we both live in the same one…WI that is…Bye!
This is one of the best blog posts I’ve ever read. You have such a way of forming your story that the words come alive on the page (or, rather, the computer screen). You’ve got me hooked from the first paragraph! Keep on writing and I’ll keep on reading. Cheers!
Wow thank you David! I am really blessed and humbled by your words. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face!
Thank you so much for sharing! So very inspiring!
Thank you for reading Cass!
I stumbled on this through Freshly Pressed, and now i’m going to subscribe. It’s all just what I need it to be. Now i’m off to discover which books you have authored.
No, nothing published yet as this was a note from my *imagined* future self to my present day, rather insecure self. Thank you so much for reading and subscribing. Hopefully soon enough I will be announcing my first publication, and be well on my way to my fifth!
I thought your facebook statuses were particularly well spoken, but I did not fancy you a wordsmith of this magnitude. This is a great post, and how cool to actually know someone who was Freshly Pressed. As others have said, I too eagerly await your first novel.
Awww thank you so much! One of the best ways to really know me is to read my writing. I express myself the best this way… far, far better than my (usually lame) attempts to verbalize. Thank you for reading!
Wow Amy. Wow. Maybe it’s the whiskey, but I really think you hit a nerve (in a good way.) I’m just dying now to know the story in betwixt the two perspectives (although I achingly acknowledge that it is yet to be written). When we first met, you weren’t introduced to me as a “writer” in the traditional sense. But you immediately reminded me of someone close to me who almost was…and who is, like you, picking up the quill again only recently. And now I know why.
Brilliantly said. Thank you. Can’t wait to read more.
Thank you for making my day! I would like to think my writing goes well with whiskey… so that in itself is a great compliment. Hope you are well and am *thrilled* that you have taken the time to read and comment. Thank you!!
In a slightly different realm, and in a little far town, in a journey of my own, you and I are in similar kind of boats. Your letter inspired, and connected. It could very well be from “my future self”.
March on, write, share and inspire – you speak with a voice of honesty.
Thank you Rumi! When writing this, I imagined that many writers would relate to the doubt and insecurity. So glad you were inspired!
this is wonderful! truly inspiring. i too will write to my future self – it just seems the thing to do now as i sit here, once again, at the keyboard, not actually writing cuz I’m stressed, angry, sad, happy, terrified, insecure, lonely, anticipating, anxious, excited…yet nonetheless, perusing your blog instead of writing in my own! hahaha. ok…so off i go! love your blog btw. sooo a fan! – and I especially love the delicious confusion you created with this post! congrats on being FP! just happened to me a week ago and i was humbled and blown away and a whole host of other all encompassing emotions! kudos xenogirl! well deserved :)
Well I think writing from those places of anger, sadness, happiness, insecurity, loneliness, etc. are the most powerful perspectives. I find that the more authentic I am in my writing, the more well-received it is. Congratulations on your freshly pressed status… I will be sure to check out your blog! Thank you for reading.
Excellent letter. Insecurity is incredibly powerful, shaping how we live our lives.
What a great perspective… I have always considered insecurity to be such a negative. Hmmmm… perhaps I sense a good blog topic here. Thank you for reading and taking the time to post!
My imagined future self wants to know if you will sign my imagined first edition of your first book.
Thanks,
A Future Fan
Hahaha of course clever girl I shall shall sign away! Thanks for the smile! :)
three cheers for courage, vulnerability and creativity.
Ah thank you… this was an extremely challenging post to write in the midst of what is a very transitional point in my life. Three cheers is right!